Phinehas' 12 Days of Christmas: "Grace Disguised By Darkness"

Day 9: "Grace Disguised By Darkness"




Lyrics: "I’ve felt their lives slip through my fingers/now i watch them circle the drain/with breath like the torrent they sink to the bottom/i’ve wasted so many chances/my efforts not a drop in the barrel/with a body like a boulder i sink to the bottom/i’ve shown my teeth and have had them kicked in one too many times/in my yearning He split the rock, and the water gushed forth/a voice keeps yelling, a voice keeps yelling/”this is where your proud waves end”/my fingers trace lines, on the surface i’m consumed/the sinking feeling, the sinking feeling/”this is where your proud waves end”/i take my first step, and i’m thrown over the edge/i tried to walk on the water but now i just swim/where is your mercy/what grace is this that saves me/i scream Your name/are You outside of Your wrath/oh God Your name/amongst the pile of dead/i see a light split the water from the heavens/i feel God glowing inside me/my heart shakes with the music of the spheres/i no longer tremble in fear/for Redemption has found me/and in Redemption comes the overflow of peace"

Explanation: This song is my story of salvation. I’ve been a Christian since I was a kid. When I wrote this song’s lyrics (4 years ago), I was in the middle of going through one of the roughest experiences in my life. I felt that I was destroying the relationships with the people I love, that I was falling further into my own depravity, and I hadn’t felt the presence of God in what seemed like years. I felt that I was in a giant pit that was half full of water, and I was drowning while clawing at the edges to lift myself out.  I was dealing with depression, being exiled and excommunicated from the school I was attending, and was trying to find purpose. I fell far into alcoholism and smoking. All I could feel was that I was drowning and I couldn’t see over the wave towering over me to see if there was just another wave behind it that was going to destroy me or if there was a break. I felt that God had left me to die in this pit that I dug myself and that his mercy was nowhere to be found. Then one of my friends became a Christian. I remember calling my mom and telling her about it. My mom told me that I should tell my friend to read the book of John in the bible because it is the best description of who Jesus is. I told my friend, and then decided to take my mom’s advice and read it for myself. The words felt like they reached out and took hold of my heart and shook my entire existence. The words gave me purpose when I thought I was worthless. “Grace Disguised By Darkness” is about Christ finding me and pulling me out of the pit of depravity I had thrown myself into.